On failures and deliciousness.

Pie #13: STRAWBERRY CHOCOLATE OASIS PIE

"After Joe orders this one and Jenna tells him that it’s just a pie: “Just a pie! It’s downright expert. A thing’a beauty … how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book. First, the flavor of an exotic spice hits ya … Just a hint of it … and then you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like an old love affair …” – Joe"

Take a gooooood look at this pie. This is not the pie that Joe raves over in The Waitress. This is not the pie that could win Jenna a way out of her abusive relationship. Let's talk about the many failures of this pie... For one, this is a store-bought cookie crust. I should probably be ashamed of myself, but I'm really not. I don't have a food processor and hate the feel of butter on my fingers. Julia, I'm sorry. See that thick, ridiculous chocolate mousse? It took two egg whites folded in, a pint of whipped heavy cream, tears, a whole packet of gelatin, and 40 hours to reach that consistency. When I tried my first slice to celebrate the end of finals, it was still in oozey-pudding stage.

The strawberries were also treated with a heavy hand of gelatin, resulting in a weird, grainy texture. My first time using gelatin -- I had no idea what I was doing. (As a side note, I have a horrific track record with thickeners. I overwhipped my cream the first time, I didn't make a slurry when I first used corn starch, etc. etc.)

But the most important, ridiculous, disgusting thing about this pie is that this was the sole remaining piece that I had to pry away from encroaching family members. Also shockingly, it was delicious. I used a mixture of dark chocolate (65%) and this chai and ginger chocolate I bought for my mom. I steeped some black tea and cardamom into the whipped cream, and it provided the perfect balance of spice and chocolate.

Mark this as a lesson: if you bake it, they will eat it. Deliciousness exceeds technical failures!

Pie #2: KICK IN THE PANTS PIE

"Cinnamon spice custard (Today’s Special)"

With a name like "Kick in the Pants" pie, I expected something with a little more ZING. This custard is smooth and creamy (as those pesky Yoplait women would say "This is ______ good!"); with the addition of cinnamon and cardamom, it was food coma-inducing. I suspect that what Keri Russell's character, Jenna, was really getting at was that you NEED a kick in the pants after eating this. Considering the amount of heavy cream in this recipe, I wish the kick in the pants forced me onto the treadmill, or at the very least, back to LSAT studying.

Custard pies just sound vile to me, so I opted to make a simple cinnamon custard. Since I had a bit of custard leftover, I made a delicious cinnamon custard brown betty / custard cup* that would be perfect for a brunch, and relatively easy, too! It tastes like a deconstructed french toast -- bread, eggs, sugar, cinnamon, cream... While I prefer the custard for a dessert, the custard cup would make a good brunch hors d'ouevre.

I may try to remake this properly as a pie, since this is the pie supposed to win Jenna her pie contest, but for now, enjoy these recipes:

Recipe for Cinnamon & Cardamom Custard (adapted from Atkins diet, of all places) & Brown Butter Custard Cups
(makes 6 4oz ramekins, or 2 quart round, or one odd-shaped terrine and 6 muffin cups)

For the custard:

• 2 cups heavy cream
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon plus more for garnish
  
• 6-10 cardamom pods, depending on how strong of flavor desired (go with 10)
  
• 2 large whole eggs
• 2 large egg yolks
• 1/2 cup sugar or splenda
  
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 4 cups boiling water (for water bath)
• whipped cream for garnish

For the custard cups:

• 6 slices white sandwich bread, crusts removed, flattened with rolling pin (I used wheat -- it was fine)
  
• 2 tbsp butter
  
• Sugar, cinnamon for garnish
  
  

In a medium-size heavy saucepan, combine heavy cream, cinnamon, and cardamom pods.

Heat over medium heat, whisking constantly to thoroughly blend cinnamon into cream, just until cream begins to steam (do not boil).

Meanwhile, heat oven to 300 F. Remove cardamom pods with soup ladle.

In a medium bowl, whisk eggs, egg yolks, sugar, and salt together until pale yellow and slightly thickened.

Using a soup ladle and whisking constantly, very gradually pour in the hot cream. Then whisk in the vanilla extract.

Pour about 1/2 cup cream mixture into each of six 4-ounce custard cups (OR pour entire mixture into a 2-quart round baking dish OR into <2>

Place the cups or baking dish in a roasting pan. Carefully pour enough boiling water in the roasting pan to come halfway up the sides of the cups or baking dish.

Bake until custard is still slightly loose in center, about 30 minutes (for the baking dish, bake about 5 minutes more. NOTE: it took me less time for the custard cups ~27 minutes, and more time for the large dish ~40 minutes).

Best enjoyed warm, right before bed

For custard cups:

Roll out crustless bread

Brown butter, then brush into pan and on both sides of bread.

Sprinkle the bread with cinnamon and sugar and press into muffin tin

Fill ~2/3rds of each cup with remaining custard, careful to not overfill beyond the crease

(NOTE: if you overfill, dont worry -- it won't burn, but it may bubble and souffle/deflate once you remove it.)

Pie #9: EARL MURDERS ME BECAUSE I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR PIE

“You smash blackberries and raspberries into a chocolate crust.”

I've never had an affair, nor have I ever been cheated on. I'm pretty sure "affair" is a marital-specific term, and that to have an "affair", you need to "put a ring on it." In the movie, Keri Russell's character Jenna Hunterson has an extra-marital affair with the ever-charming Dr. Pomatter, played by Nathan Fillion. While it's hard to condone cheating, considering the difficulties of Jenna's relationship with her abusive husband, her affair is understandable (who would be able to resist that handsome devil, Nathan Fillion?).

What happened to this adaptation of "Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having an Affair" pie is certainly less understandable, but perhaps better-suited for an affair pie. The tart crusts burnt (why is there only a 30-second window for chocolate crust to turn from undercooked to burnt!?) the ganache wouldn't set, the cream was over-whipped, the chocolate was shaved before it had set properly, and as you can see, there are no blackberries.

Still, I make no apologies. The affair tart was a little bitter, provided a sugar rush, and was perfectly satisfying -- all components of a good affair, right? The main reason this tart failed was because instead of making it out of spite, anger, etc., I made it with my loving boyfriend, and it was just perfect for an after dinner dessert.

Recipe for Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having an Affair Tartlets
(makes 6, or 1 large tart)

For the crust: adapted from Julia Child

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, preferably dutch-processed
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
• 1 large egg yolk (save white for meringue, or something else)
  
• 1 tablespoon ice water

For the filling:

• 1 cup heavy whipping cream
  
• 10 oz chocolate (bittersweet, best available) + more for chocolate shavings
  
• 1 carton raspberries
• 1 carton blackberries
  

For the whipped cream:

• 1/2 cup heavy cream
  
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 and 1/2 tsp confectioners sugar
  

1. Sift dry ingredients. Mash in butter (a food processor here would be good so the butter doesn't melt from body heat) -- do NOT overwork.
2. Add in egg yolk and ice water slowly, until it is crumbly but sticks together.
3. Press dough into tartlet pans (do NOT use the cheapo aluminum pans from your neighborhood grocery... this contributed to the burning) and chill for 30 minutes in refrigerator. Preheat oven to 350.
   
4. Bake the individual crusts for 10 minutes -- KEEP AN EYE on them. Both, if you aren't a cyclops.
5. Let the crusts cool, and either mash the raspberries and blackberries inside, or prepare ganache.
6. Chop chocolate into small pieces with a sharp knife. Bring heavy cream to a boil and pour over the chocolate.
7. Poor the ganache into the tartlets, and let set.
   
8. Meanwhile, pour heavy cream, and vanilla into a large bowl and beat with electric beater. Slowly add in confectioner's sugar. Do NOT overbeat.
9. Once the ganache has cooled, add whipped cream.
10. Decorate with chocolate shavings or whole raspberries, if desired.

baby don't you cry

It's the second day of June, the second unofficial day of summer, and it's pouring. The past three summers I have occupied myself with various projects: photographing myself once a day for a fashion Flickr group, launching and abandoning a webcomic, even trying to eat my way through the Pioneer Woman's massive recipe archives. I am a "project" kind of gal; there's something cathartic about assigning, carrying out, and completing a task, and if it involves food, I am all for it.

If you have never seen the movie Waitress, go out and Netflix it NOW. Seriously. I'll be waiting here when you finish.

If you have, then you know that it is quirky, heart-breaking, heart-healing, sappy, passionate... difficult to describe. It's the kind of movie that you watch at different times at your life and feel differently each time. But at it's heart, there is warm, gooey, oh-so-comforting pie. Sometimes it is a "I hate my husband" pie kind of day, and other times it is a "Peachy Keen" tart day. Today is the kind of pie you make on the second day of June when it is dumping buckets, cold, and you have just finished photocopying a hundred logic games to tote with you to the library. Or, today is the perfectly auspicious day to start a project baking your way through the movie Waitress.

In total, there are 18 pies baked in the movie. Prescribing to the "work smarter, not harder" academic mantra, here is a list of the pies compiled by TechLifeWeb

All the Pies of “Waitress”

Pie #1: Blue Plate Special I DON’T WANT EARL’S BABY PIE or BAD BABY PIE – Quiche with egg and brie cheese with a smoked ham center (later referred to as BAD BABY QUICHE PIE by old Joe)

Pie #2: KICK IN THE PANTS PIE – Cinnamon spice custard (Today’s Special)

Pie #3: I HATE MY HUSBAND PIE - “You make it with bittersweet chocolate and don’t sweeten it. You make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel …”

Pie #4: SPAGHETTI PIE – has at home with husband

Pie #5: MARSHMALLOW MERMAID PIE – From when she was in her mermaid stage. Pie made for Dr. Mueller, and given later in the appointment to Dr. Pomatter. “Biblically good!”

Pie #6: FALLIN’ IN LOVE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE – made for Dawn

Pie #7: BABY SCREAMING IT’S HEAD OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND RUINING MY LIFE PIE – New York-style cheesecake, brandy brushed and topped with pecans and nutmeg

Pie #8: PEACHY KEEN TARTS – made for Dr. Pomatter

Pie #9: EARL MURDERS ME BECAUSE I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR PIE – “You smash blackberries and raspberries into a chocolate crust.”

Pie #10: I CAN’T HAVE NO AFFAIR BECAUSE IT’S WRONG AND I DON’T WANT EARL TO KILL ME PIE – “Vanilla custard with banana. Hold the banana …”

Pie #11: SPANISH DANCER PIE WITH POTATO CRUST – Joe orders at the Diner

Pie #12: NAUGHTY PUMPKIN PIE – brought to appointment for Dr. Pomatter, but unexpectedly with Dr. Mueller. Dr. Pomatter unexpectedly out of town with wife

Pie #13: STRAWBERRY CHOCOLATE OASIS PIE – After Joe orders this one and Jenna tells him that it’s just a pie: “Just a pie! It’s downright expert. A thing’a beauty … how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book. First, the flavor of an exotic spice hits ya … Just a hint of it … and then you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like an old love affair …” – Joe

Pie #14: PREGNANT MISERABLE SELF PITYING LOSER PIE – “Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambéed of course …”

Pie #15: LONELY CHICAGO PIE – Teaches Dr. Pomatter how to make this one

Pies #16 & #17: CAR RADIO PIE and JENNA’S FIRST KISS PIE – These are pies Jenna’s mom used to make that she fondly remembers.

Pie #18: OLD JOE’S HORNY PIE – Jenna states she is going to invent after a saucy story from Old Joe.

My goal is to work/eat my way through these 18 pies this summer and fall, and document this process so you can enjoy it vicariously through me. I can't promise that I'll like them all (Marshmallow Mermaid Pie combines two of my least favorite ingredients: marshmallows and coconut), but my goal is to capture the spirit of the pie, as well as create my own.

So, even though it's raining and bleak... "Baby don’t be blue, Gonna make for you, Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle"